Post College Student Syndrome

Since the winter semester started I couldn’t wait to get out of school. Most of my classes were just to fulfill a requirement and were a waste of my time and energy. When the semester ended, I was so numb, almost withdrawn with what was actually happening to me—I wasn’t going to be a student anymore. For 16 years I have been a student, and, for the first time ever, I don’t know exactly how my life will pan out. However, reality did not set in for me last week.

I have been a college graduate for almost a week now, and suddenly I have been slammed with emotions. First, I will have to say sadness. I loved being a student, and I will miss going to class and getting into lively discussions. I will also miss the little, almost stupid, things around Rexburg and BYU–Idaho such as the smell of doughnuts in the MC and the walks my husband, Brandt, and I took to the cheap theater. I will miss walking on campus in the biting wind but still find fellow colleges smile and say hello to me.

Another emotion I have been hit with is confusion. I haven’t really looked for a job yet, and I feel that I can’t until Brandt has found a job. I feel that I am marketable, but Brandt and I agreed that he was going to be the main provider, which is fine with me. I just feel that I’m a slacker here. I’m also confused because I’m LDS it’s culturally accepted now for us to have a family, but it’s not going to happen. First off, we can’t financially afford it, and we don’t have insurance right now. Also I feel that it isn’t time for me to be a mom yet. Perhaps all of this confusion is because I’m going through somewhat of an identity crisis: I’m not a student anymore, I can’t be a provider and I’m not at mom yet, so who am I?

The last emotion I’m going through right now is the most powerful: fear. A fear of everything. I’m afraid of putting myself out there to find and job because what if I'm not good enough? I’m afraid of moving across the country, leaving my family and friends behind, to move in with in-laws in an area I’m deathly afraid to drive around. What is the scariest thing for me is writing. I have thought about what to write for my blog for a long time and couldn’t come up with a good idea. I had severe writer’s block and couldn’t write something that didn’t sound overly cliché. I’m afraid my writing won’t have anything of value, and I will have nothing to contribute or even worse, I wouldn’t have anything I want to write about.

To end on a cheerful note, I’m trying to overcome these emotions. Yes, I’m sad, but I’m also happy to leave the single college student scene. Yes, I don’t know who exactly who I am, but perhaps I will be again a student, jobholder and hopefully soon a mother. Yes, I’m scared silly about leaving the things I know and explore my mental and emotional boundaries. However, it’s going to be OK. I can’t really say how it’s going to be all right, but all I have the hope that it will be.